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Jamie

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[26 Mar 2004|12:14am]
This journal is closed.

Please EXIT my journal and never return.

Sincerely and with much love,

Jamie

EDIT: New journal...saturnine_dream
Help me get Away from Myself

Valuable lesson [21 Mar 2004|03:21pm]
I wanted to be taught a lesson. I asked you to teach me one. What did I learn?

Love and trust is for the weak. We can only depend on ourselves.

Lies are easier to tell and believe than any truth.

You love only yourself.

Thank you. You were a good teacher.
1Promised| Help me get Away from Myself

Control or lack there of [24 Feb 2004|01:37am]
[ mood | In a fit of delirium ]

I'm allowing this entry to be "public" in the hopes that someone with some insight might stumble across my journal and offer me some words of advice or understanding. I've never been thrown so much into a spin from one idea. It rages in my mind and I wonder if I should ever understand.

Her: "If He wants us to be together, then it will be His heavenly will. I believe He is aiding us in uniting and He keeps our love strong. I think He wants us together."

Me: "What about what you would will or want?"

Blank stare and silence.

I wondered if it was incomprehensible to her for anyone other than God to control her life. Her life. But to her it is God's life.

I continued to read the letter that her lover had sent her and tried to keep the shock I felt from showing on my face.

I'm so glad to know you fulfill God's will each day and have remained obedient. (loosely quoted from his letter to her)

Obedient!? My thoughts began to run in one direction: What, is she now subservient? Is she a slave to God's cause?

I became very angry, but my voice remained cool and calm. I didn't want to alert her to my true feelings. She remained blissfully ignorant and I told her in a sweet tone that the letter was lovely and she was lucky to have such a great guy. It's the truth about her lover. He really is a great guy.

Their beliefs, however, are another thing. I'm a tolerant person either by my own nature or the nurture I have received, but even this was too much for me. I try so hard not to judge her for it. She has come a long way from the rebel drunk "sliding into oblivion and losing herself" child. I was a partial contributor to this. She wanted to experience life. Life is Hell. It's Hell on earth and she wanted a taste of reality. It didn't suit her. That's fine and I'd rather not have her regret her youth.

But now this! She is a vessel for her God. He pulls the strings, makes the rules, designs and sets forth her fate. Her life is not her own and she is but a pawn in it. This scares me and I was terribly appalled.

Is there something wrong with me? Have I lost (or never possessed) the ability to understand this concept due to my complete ignorance of religions? Am I developing that egotistical "I know God because I am God" attitude?

Are all religions like this? I know so little about them and I hope with all my being that they are not. One day when I am at my end, physically or mentally, my will broken to pieces, I might think to seek out god for spiritual guidance, but in the process of finding him I am repelled due to the realization that my control will become his in accepting him. To become His would be a consequence to me, not a wonderful reward.

I could never allow it nor live with it.

Help me get Away from Myself

[30 Nov 2003|03:49pm]
there is a game I play
try to make myself okay
try so hard to make the pieces all fit
smash it apart
just for the fuck of it

bye bye oooh
got to get back to the bottom
bye bye oooh
the big come down isn't that what you wanted?
bye bye oooh
find a place with the failed and forgotten
bye bye oooh
isn't that really what you wanted now?

there is no place I can go there is no way I can hide
it feels like it keeps coming from the inside

there is a hate that burns within
the most desperate place I have ever been
try to get back to where I'm from
the closer I get the worse it becomes
the closer I get the worse it becomes

there is no place I can go there is no place I can hide
it feels like it keeps coming from the inside
Help me get Away from Myself

[18 Nov 2003|04:03pm]
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1Promised| Help me get Away from Myself

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